i don't know what to think.

i'm in love with madness.

"Life is a comedy for those who think...and a tragedy for those who feel."

Ever since I heard that quote, I've wondered which perspective I hold. Then I took a moment to read through some of my older entries, and just the way I perceive things in general, and I noticed that I say the phrases "kinda funny when you think about it" and "funny thing is, when you think about it..." quite often.
and yet, I still feel rather divided on the matter. i guess it just depends on the mood i'm in.
i suppose though, in general, to me, life is a comedy.

either way, I decided to google who figured that out, because I think it's a genius thing to say. (often times a person does not produce just one intelligent and telling quote you know. unfortunately it works in reverse as well...stupid people do not produce just one stupid quote.)

i came up with this, and i'm rather taken with it as well:
"The whole secret of life is to be interested in one thing profoundly and in a thousand things well."

it's funny, the first thing that came to mind when reading this quote was, of all things, love.
I think that for me, the one thing I'm supposed to be interested in profoundly is...someone else.
lately i get this feeling when i can't sleep.
I feel like something isn't right. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I just know that I'm not meant to sleep alone all my life. i'm going to find someone to wake up to.
usually I just sleep in.

the midas touch.

A heart of gold sounds much too heavy.

"I'm the you they get when they can't have you."

you know they almost cast Kirsten Dunst as Penny Lane in Almost Famous? but he chose Kate Hudson instead. more of a "free spirit", Crowe said.
kinda funny when you think about it...

(you know. dunst had almost gotten famous at that point instead of later on.)

“cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

funny.

I have been reading up on dreams again. I became desperate once I realized that, with enough practice, one can actually control their dreams. Do you know...do you know what i would give for that? just once?

It involves reality checks and writing down your dreams. You have to question reality so that you will question your dreams. You can then realize your unconscious state and take advantage of it. It takes time and willpower, neither of which I'm sure I have very much of.

My Mexican jumping beans died. I don't know how long ago, but the little bugs inside were out of their shells when I found them. I wonder if they escaped before they died, or they had to die to escape. it made me somewhat melancholy that I didn't know, but it also gave me an interesting concept to ponder.
I mean, what will happen? Will I end up under the ground without anyone ever completely understanding me, or am I destined to find my kindred spirit eventually?
Will I be at ease with myself before I make Heaven (if I even do) or do I have to get to Heaven to be at ease with myself?
I haven't any more of an idea than you do.

Know what else I've been thinking about?
I am almost positive that there is a God up there. Almost certain. I just don't know if I believe everything they say about him. Maybe I just can't comprehend it, because, after all, I'm only human, and only a reasonably intelligent one at that. Funny how people always say "I'm only human" when they've fallen to temptation or made a mistake. Paints an interesting picture of what a human really is.

This is a bit of a long update. It's been awhile. Anyways...

Doug, of course, is the only guy I have let in close enough to really hurt me as of late, and of course, he did. Told me I needed to grow up, and, unlike him, I didn't care about grades or responsibilities. Please.
He doesn't know the first thing about maturity. He went on to say that he believes he is "definitely more mature" than me. At that, I nearly laughed aloud. If he really knew about maturity, he would've dealt with my parents properly. He wouldn't have acted so childishly about the whole thing, with me pleading for him to just introduce himself. That was definitely a bad move on my part; I should not have put up with that.
He was partially correct in saying I didn't care about my grades, though mostly incorrect. For a time, yes, I didn't have the proper motivation, and my grades dropped severely. Thing is though, I took action. I raised all my grades, and to cite a specific example, I worked hard enough to raise my math grade 13% in a matter of weeks, a feat not easily achieved. If that didn't take responsibility to Doug, I don't know what his problem is. I'm thinking that generally, he's quite bitter about the situation, and his way of getting back at me was targeting my weaknesses and calling me on them. He doesn't want to admit his bitterness, though.
I hope it eats him alive.

Actually, I don't. Some part of me still cares for him, which is why some part of me hurt very much when he showed a clear lack of interest or care for me. I don't want him back, but it still pained me to hear that he genuinely doesn't think about me at all anymore.
We built our foundation on experimentation, like the man who built his house on the sand.
It was sure to come crashing down eventually.

But there is another.
There is someone new. He doesn't make my heart race or get my stomach up in knots.
But it's a good thing.
I just feel comfortable and happy around him. He's very...wholesome, without ever being boring or prudish. Just a good influence on me in general. I'm tired of being corrupted and sexual with Doug (not to say that Doug or I ever went beyond making out, I felt our relationship relied too much on being physical)
A few times, I have caught this boy off guard; outwardly, he seems somewhat simple (though extremely intelligent), he's rather complex, and more insecure than I ever would have guessed. Though, strangely, this is one of the things I really love about him. He's carefully guarded. It's quite endearing.

lucy, mr. kite, jude, and eleanor

For the first time today, I listened to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band in its entirety. Obviously I've heard the songs, but not all together in the proper order.
I actually sat back and wondered what it was like the first time people heard this record in the '60s. Placing the needle on the record so, so gently as not to damage it, then lying on the floor and taking it all in.
Funny thing is, they had no idea they had just begun listening to what is widely considered one of the best albums in the history of rock. They listened to the soundtrack of the entire decade of free love and bell bottoms. crazy.

This quote made me grin, very much.
"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."

i can do better than you.

"i’m starting to feel
we stay together out of fear of dying alone
i’ve been slipping through the years
my old clothes don’t fit like they once did
so they hang like ghosts of the people I’ve been
and it’s like my heart cant contain-
I fall in love every day."

having a laugh x amount of miles away.

"you reject my advances
and desperately
i will let you
let me down
so easily..."

r- i think besides the fact that you're literally one of the coolest guys i have ever known, the main reason i want you is because i absolutely cannot have you. 4 years says so, my friendship with L says so, + the fact that you wouldn't see me as more than a friend even if i was older says so. there is a line between admiration and adoration...not really sure when i crossed over.

d- the more distant you become, the more my mind is drifting to thoughts of breaking up.
please, please do something that will wow me back into sappy teen love with you. pretty sure that this is just pms talking, but i have been going through the pros and cons of breaking up. ugh. being melo-dramatic is idiotic.
i just don't want to be left alone in the summer...

You've never tasted desperate.

"you've got spirit kid, i'll give you that."

you've gotta be cruel to be kind

you're really kind sometimes.

shoot down the stars.

Four years of what used to be my life are stacked on my bedroom floor. Kinda funny if you think about it.
Give me a number and there's a memory attached.
Page 50 was from that time when I still cared about their opinions.
Page 103. Still can't believe I liked him.
Here's where she signed before she realized she had better things to do than talk to me.
And you. Why did you like me then? I was ugly as fuck.
Hey, this picture was taken before we ever thought about making out.
Hey, this picture was taken before we confessed that yes, we really did care about each other.
Oh damn. My hair really was that bad.

(and yes, I know, it basically still is. But it's significantly better than it used to be, like myself.)

the ink is running toward the page

saw some discarded living room furnishings on the lawn across the street.
I am so tempted to grab it and drive it to your house.
But, of course, the whole not-having-a-driver's-license thing kindof interferes with that fantasy.
maybe i'll just get a pipe and spit out some jargon like i'm so cool.
I've pretty much got the second part covered ahaha.

hit or miss.

you get it or you don't:

"Hi, my name is Christy"
"Hi Christy"
long time user of myths and fantasies
got the track marks cutting through my dreams
to prove it

and when i woke up
i rubbed my eyes
and found yours

a window to the soul, they say
threw a ladder to your window and climbed inside
tumbled onto the floor with that stupid goofy grin
moving forward
centimeter by centimeter

meet me after school
by the plant behind the bungalow
fireworks
a jolt and a zap
moving forward
inch by inch

tumbled onto the couch with that lovable goofy grin
what happens
when i put my hands here?
what happens
when i move my tongue there?
moving forward
foot by foot
(hand in hand)

tumbled into your arms with that admiring goofy grin
tested boundaries
pushpushpush
fasterfasterfaster
inch by inch
foot by foot
mile by mile
fasterfasterfaster
boundaries tested

but wait!
what happens
when he hits a stop sign
and all i see
is a green light?

playfastforwardpause-
rewind.

talk it out
send it back to the lab
do the results match up?
check your list twice.

flying colors.

i'll look after you.

happiness that should have been mine becomes happiness that is.

i feel safe and warm in your arms. this is The Turn. we are taking something ordinary and making it into something extraordinary. i just want to curl up next to you and stay there forever. hold me closer. i am your tiny dancer. there is something in the way you pull me close for a moment, to take in my scent and keep me close and maybe reassure yourself that i'm still there-
it is the definition of perfection.
in the eyes of this beholder, anyways.

"Summer." she stated matter-of-factly. "Then we'll have hours together, with this whole house all to ourselves." Her eyes were pleading with him to believe, to feel content with her words.
"But I want you now," he counters with an edge in his voice. She sighs slightly and he pretends not to notice.
"I know you do, D. And likewise, of course. I want you so bad. But we're not going to find a real moment alone until summer," she sighs loudly, and continues. "Think you can hold off until then?"
Doug paused for a moment, contemplating his options.
"For you?" he asks, taking in the look on her face. "For you, I'd wait a million years if I had to."
"You really think a line like that will work on a girl like me?" she responds, a smile playing across her lips, one of many brought to her by this boy in particular.
"Well," he started. "That depends. Did it work?"

wizard.

"Tell me one thing," said Harry. "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

Dumbledore beamed at him, and his voice sounded loud and strong in Harry's ears even though the bright mist was descending again, obscuring his figure."Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

Everyone has them. Things that people you know say or write that make you stop dead in your tracks. I don't know about you, but I store them in my memory for later. the same way you save a document. put it in my hard drive and store it for when writer's block takes over or when you just want to reminisce.

send it all back to me and spin it in reverse. (I have no idea why, but I've always wanted to say that, and it feels like it makes sense to me, even if it doesn't. I never knew quite where to place it in my writing but here feels right. Like how you know where to put a comma or a dash. you just do.)

take a peek:
"The only way out of this marriage is in a pine box."
"You walk confidently enough, and no one bothers you."
"Threw a ladder to your window and climbed inside. Explain it all to me."

"hmm" vs. "mhm"

things are heating up.
it's kinda funny, in a million years i would've never pictured myself going as far as i have in the time that we've been dating. if four years ago someone told me where we would be now, i would've laughed it off without a second thought.

it's the way i could feel him getting hard that really got me going.
i want so much to please him, and vice versa. i think i do a pretty good job, but now i'm afraid i'll feel bad everytime i don't get there...

sometimes he can be so selfish though, whereas although sometimes i have ulterior motives, i'm much more selfless than him. i wish he had a more romantic view of life.
but he has so many good aspects about him, in all honesty his flaws seem to fade into the woodwork. he's vastly more intelligent than anyone i've been with, and understands me just the same. i believe it's this that sets him apart from the others (and no, not The Others- this is not an episode of LOST.) this sense of just...getting each other, that is beyond anything i could possibly dream up. some say they saw it coming...funnily enough, he never did. this is slightly bothersome to me, to realize that i was the only one of us that had a secret hope we'd end up together, but apparently it hasn't bothered me enough to make a fuss of it...not that i really should. crying over spilled milk you know.
spilled milk.
"you must agree i'm spilled like milk inside your head"
this is exactly how i wish and hope and dream that you see me.

on the issue of God- my faith is slipping, but i am not afraid. my dad confided to me that his faith was less than measurable a number of times throughout high school and college, especially when he started developing an interest in philosohpy, as i have now. and to counter the argument that believing in God is only for the ignorant, i consistently remind myself that some of the most intelligent people i know and respect are strong Christians. my father, priskila layesen (genius girl at my school, incredible writer), and albert einstein were all firm in the faith that there was and is a God. if albert einstein, a scientist of all people, (widely acknowledged as one of the most gifted intellectuals in history) held the firm belief that there is in fact an almighty Man Upstairs, then so can I.

quite a few things to say them, but what is the proper way to convey them.
and more importantly, what is the right way to convey them.
I do not mean right as in true or false, but rather true to myself.
should I take advantage of my extensive vocabulary, or perhaps stick with a stream of consciousness? one is certainly more "real" than the other, but i find speaking as scholarly as possible as often as possible actually seems to increase the IQ, because it stimulates the more intellectual part of the mind.
i have been reading up on psychology and dream interpretation; not to a point of obsession, but surely i would like to go to Borders sometime soon and buy some books on the former. magicians as well. i've been studying about them i mean. houdini was rather fascinating. the maker of the bullet catch trick eventually died performing it.
it was rather risky to begin with, but it's such a brilliant trick, and if it brought wonder to the eyes of so many, there is no true performer that would say it wasn't worth it.
the first thing that crosses a person's mind (and comes out of their mouth) when they see an illusion is "how did you do that?"
but, of course, you'll never tell. a good magician never reveals their secrets but to a trusted few who are in on the trick.
maybe that's why i enjoy reading about them.
make your own parallels from that.

"strange is me, why yes it's true, i'm just as strange as you"

take what you can. give nothing back.

you're the only one who drags me kicking and screaming through fast dreams.

the way he grabbed my hips when he kissed me today.
the way he looks at me.
the way he remembers what day our first kiss was.
the way he wrote down the website so he wouldn't forget.
the way his compliments sound genuine, not tired or fake.
the way we appreciate each other.
the way he tamed me.
the way he'd jump on a plane to london with me at a moment's notice.

"after we move to london, and get all settled in, what's the first thing you want to see?"
"you."

...see you're not what I expected
but you're the only one who knows how to handle me
and you're such a great kisser and I know that you'd agree

"my love is one made to break every bended knee"

red rover red rover
sent new love right over...

except that i don't feel like calling you new love, because that implies that you'd eventually become old love. past tense. he was, we were.
and honest to God that's the worst thing i could possibly think of right now. getting happiness ripped away right when it's been placed in front of me and for the first time in ages i'm not destroying it.

it's funny, i'm usually so keen to grab hold of lyrics that talk of (self) destructive heart breakers, to get out while you can, etc
but lately it seems that while i still want to listen to them they don't carry the same meaning as they used to. my tin man syndrome has been cured.
imagine that.

mhm.

"can i ask you a favor?"
"sure. anything."
"can you say 'mhm' for me, one more time?"
"...mhm."
"thank you"

how could i not love that?

two houses, alike in dignity...

you know the rest.



i kissed him.
one. pause. two.
he kissed me.
onetwothree.
surprising but interesting.
no fireworks...yet.
i like kissing but in actuality it never goes how i picture it. i always imagine it to be much slower, to ease into it and then let the sparks fly.
but in all honesty, what seems to really happen is i'm so focused on getting from point A to point B time to react is pretty much lost. i'm okay with it though. i think we'll get better in time.
not that it was bad. it was good, definitely.
it was just over so quickly i keep forgetting it really happened.
meaning that i simply must have more evidence to come to a reasonable conclusion.
let's conduct experiments.

hide and secret.

we've got something so good
one day we're going to go to dunder mifflin.
wouldn't that be awesome?
just you and me.
oh, D.

seriously though- he makes me so happy. he whispers sweet nothings to my inbox and we have so much in common. i can't really tell what couple we are though- dwight and angela (two geeks who have the hots for each other but are keeping their relationship secret), jim and pam (two funny best friends who tell each other everything) or ron and hermione (two teenagers who are best friends that fight over everything until they admit they like each other).

i dunno. i know you don't like comparing your life to tv shows or fictional characters but i've been doing that since as long as i can remember, so it's kinda second nature by now.
i like the idea of dwangela or heRmiONe best, but i really am trying not to compare us to them, so i don't get this image in my head of how we're supposed to be.

you know what's something i love about you?
i love when you put your hand over your mouth when you're thinking hard.
i love that you and i seem to have this deep appreciation for things (and each other) that no one else ever really got.
i love that your compliments don't feel fake or overused.
i love that smile you get when you know a secret.
i love it when you blush and look at the ground, and you can't stop smiling.
i love that you can make me blush like no one else.
i love how honest you are with me.
i love that we fought so much that eventually we just spilled out our feelings, like something out of a movie.
i love that you bring out the best in me, and like the worst in me.


"and when she was good she was very very good, but when she was bad she was better"

I TEACH sunday school, motherfucker.

stephen colbert is seriously one of the smartest dudes on this planet. honest to God he should be running the country.

although i guess that would put him in sort of a Man of the Year situation. seriously though- he is a fantastic debater, he's strong in his faith as a Christian (imagine Stephen Colbert as your sunday school teacher...i know right?), he's ridiculously intelligent and just plain ridiculous. not to mention he's got a magnetic television persona and is more charming than most politicians (and more honest than all of them. who invented the word "truthiness"? OH YEAH, STEPHEN.)

it's in America's hands now.

it had to be you.

you make my head spin. honestly i love it.

a day in the life.

wake up too early, fall back alseep until i'm rushing out the door and running to make it in time to bio, my head phones still in my ears as i not-so-gracefully sail in, then continue the rest of my day, think of you a couple times, head to lunch while listening to Sometimes You Just Want To, get in the line, say sorry when other people cut in front of me and step on my feet, have lunch, head out to the quad to say hello to heather, megan, ashley and tanner, then finish my day, hang outside the band room until somewhere between 3:00 - 3:30, and, depending on the week, either walk home to my mom's house listening to my ipod, or get driven to my dad's house; at which point i will either go watch scrubs until 4, go on the computer (anything to avoid my homework), or sleep until 5pm, at which point i will do my homework until/during the time doug IMs me; we'll talk until about 12:30 and then one or both of us will suggest that we should get to sleep.
(it's my favorite time of the day, talking to you.)

please don't let me be misunderstood.

stupidstupidstupidstupid
stupidstupidstupidstupid
stupidstupidstupidstupid
stupidstupidstupidstupid
stupidstupidstupidstupidSTUPID.
should've let sleeping dogs lie.

i just wanna please you. so much.

30/70

boy, i've got it bad for you.


i love it when you call me cute.
it still makes me blush.

the electric city.

sorry JD, but i'm a dunderhead at heart.

across the universe kinda made my head spin.
some parts of it were designed for just that- (ex: "being for the benefit of mr. kite")
but alot of it was whimsical, clever, and passionate.
makes me want to throw paint all over the walls and start a revolution.

you drive me the most insane when you lose interest.
for some reason you give me this feeling, like a power trip almost,
whenever you let me know in some way or another that i have control of you.
even if it's just your dreams.
you do think too highly of yourself, this is for sure.
i'm gonna have to break you in like new shoes...but only if you promise the same.
weird right. but i honestly need someone like you to, for lack of a better phrase, tame me.

it does frustrate me that you close up whenever i try to get close.
i can practically feel you tensing up.
pried open so many shells just to find sand...
now i am convinced you've got a pearl but every time i reach for it
your shell clamps down on my fingers.
don't bite the hand that feeds (unless it slaps you first..)
but yes i am afraid of one thing and one thing only: the moment i find that pearl, i'll rip it out, dust it off, say it's not good enough and throw it back into the ocean.
then of course we'd start this whole damn thing all over again.

"the minute you let her under your skin then you begin to make it better."
HA.

our conversations are like minefields

no one's found a safe way through one yet.

feeling blue is the new pink

i thought my least favorite subject was bio but i am really starting to hate chemistry.

pretty. odd.

i am alone in this bed, house and head.
and he never fixes this,
but at least he...

i am alone in this bedroom,
and he never fixes this,
but at least he...











MAKES
ME
FORGET.