“cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

funny.

I have been reading up on dreams again. I became desperate once I realized that, with enough practice, one can actually control their dreams. Do you know...do you know what i would give for that? just once?

It involves reality checks and writing down your dreams. You have to question reality so that you will question your dreams. You can then realize your unconscious state and take advantage of it. It takes time and willpower, neither of which I'm sure I have very much of.

My Mexican jumping beans died. I don't know how long ago, but the little bugs inside were out of their shells when I found them. I wonder if they escaped before they died, or they had to die to escape. it made me somewhat melancholy that I didn't know, but it also gave me an interesting concept to ponder.
I mean, what will happen? Will I end up under the ground without anyone ever completely understanding me, or am I destined to find my kindred spirit eventually?
Will I be at ease with myself before I make Heaven (if I even do) or do I have to get to Heaven to be at ease with myself?
I haven't any more of an idea than you do.

Know what else I've been thinking about?
I am almost positive that there is a God up there. Almost certain. I just don't know if I believe everything they say about him. Maybe I just can't comprehend it, because, after all, I'm only human, and only a reasonably intelligent one at that. Funny how people always say "I'm only human" when they've fallen to temptation or made a mistake. Paints an interesting picture of what a human really is.

This is a bit of a long update. It's been awhile. Anyways...

Doug, of course, is the only guy I have let in close enough to really hurt me as of late, and of course, he did. Told me I needed to grow up, and, unlike him, I didn't care about grades or responsibilities. Please.
He doesn't know the first thing about maturity. He went on to say that he believes he is "definitely more mature" than me. At that, I nearly laughed aloud. If he really knew about maturity, he would've dealt with my parents properly. He wouldn't have acted so childishly about the whole thing, with me pleading for him to just introduce himself. That was definitely a bad move on my part; I should not have put up with that.
He was partially correct in saying I didn't care about my grades, though mostly incorrect. For a time, yes, I didn't have the proper motivation, and my grades dropped severely. Thing is though, I took action. I raised all my grades, and to cite a specific example, I worked hard enough to raise my math grade 13% in a matter of weeks, a feat not easily achieved. If that didn't take responsibility to Doug, I don't know what his problem is. I'm thinking that generally, he's quite bitter about the situation, and his way of getting back at me was targeting my weaknesses and calling me on them. He doesn't want to admit his bitterness, though.
I hope it eats him alive.

Actually, I don't. Some part of me still cares for him, which is why some part of me hurt very much when he showed a clear lack of interest or care for me. I don't want him back, but it still pained me to hear that he genuinely doesn't think about me at all anymore.
We built our foundation on experimentation, like the man who built his house on the sand.
It was sure to come crashing down eventually.

But there is another.
There is someone new. He doesn't make my heart race or get my stomach up in knots.
But it's a good thing.
I just feel comfortable and happy around him. He's very...wholesome, without ever being boring or prudish. Just a good influence on me in general. I'm tired of being corrupted and sexual with Doug (not to say that Doug or I ever went beyond making out, I felt our relationship relied too much on being physical)
A few times, I have caught this boy off guard; outwardly, he seems somewhat simple (though extremely intelligent), he's rather complex, and more insecure than I ever would have guessed. Though, strangely, this is one of the things I really love about him. He's carefully guarded. It's quite endearing.