electrocute is what we aim for.

light me on fire.
my soul i mean. in the good way.
but my ideas are not all that great so maybe they can burn too. in the bad way.
you have me going every way.
(but there's no way)

why did someone coin the expression "alone with your thoughts"?
words are like company. misery is like my guest.
cocktail party anyone?

"i've been dreamin bout those dreamy eyes..."

parseltongue.

i wonder if anybody actually figured it out.
if you did, you have my full respect for basically ever.
there is only one person that i would be really annoyed with if they found it.
anyways. this is supposed to be private, so if you do find it, keep it that way. don't go prancing around spilling my secrets, yes?
this is my best kept secret and i trust it will remain so.

backspace.

when i was in chicago i wrote 8 pages of journal entries. might post some if i think theyre worth reading.
there is something about that city. i have plans to return when i am 18, except i won't tell anyone that i'm going. not my family here or my family there. i will enjoy chicago as it was intended to be enjoyed. i'm not going to lie, my eyes were straining for a mess (of hair and sunglasses) in the terminals. nosuchluck. ace on a plane. landing on a runway in chicago vs. LAX to O'Hare.
"there's no need for nervousness it's just a little turbulence"

i think madness is inevitable at this point.

the thought that i may be slowly going insane has graced my mind a few more times than neccesary lately.
it pulls the corners of my mouth down to the gutter
where some days i feel like hiding out.
some days i wonder if all of this will ever mean anything.

isnt it funny how i can never get "love" right on a keyboard or in real life. ha ha ha.

truelvoe,
wendy.

browneyedmonster.

the reason this is secret isn't because i am here to tear people to pieces.
the reason this is secret is because i really don't think anyoe understands who i've become.
you certainly dont. youd have stopped smoking cigarettes if you got what that does to me.
sometimes i think you almost get it. but there just isnt that x factor, that little spark that ignites inside me and says "yes! exactly! that's exactly what i meant!"
i used to say that so much but i really dont anymore because i have no reason to.
back to you though. youre like the AV kid of friendship.
you like the projection. the image that we give off.
but you only like me as a person some days.
i guess itd be stupid to ask you to like me all days but i can tell i get on your nerves after i'm around you too long. i think that's the sad part. there isnt anyone that doesnt get sick of me or weirded out by me after so long.
everything i hate in myself is now crashing down.
ha. how pathetic am i that it took a blog for me to realize how alone i am.
"they call kids like us vicious and carved out of stone
but for what we've become
we just feel more alone"

how am i going to get myself out of this one.

"these words are all i have so i'll write them"

"our story is finished
but the ink is fading
and i forgot what we wrote on page one
notes scrawled in margins between lips
look me in the eyes and tell me
'I wouldn't change a thing'
wouldn't change a thing, no"

"writing nonstop in a coffeeshop
drawing doodles of daydreams
wide eyed and wild
she says 'secrets dont make friends'
but word is friends make secrets
so keep an ear to the ground
and an eye on mine
and we'll go down in history
5, 4, 3, 2, one more time"

"the stories stained my eyes
and of course my memory
but you never pulled that trigger
you turned to the cork tree

we will be your needle and thread
poking these words straight through to your head
when you're coming apart at the seams
we'll leave you begging for more of this scene"

scene of the crime.
crime of the scene.
they both make sense in a too-late kindof way.

the rest is just guesswork of my midnight mind.

i am wondering what's going through your head right now.
i have no clue how many miles away you are but that just makes me more curious.
wish frankie was here then i could have milkshakes and grilled cheese and fun. mostly i just want to tune everyone out these days but i am still doing okay.
kindof sick of this diet world though.
sugarfree soda, carbfree energy bars, lovefree life.
"fasten your seatbelts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride"
yeah right.
i thought this summer i would make it to some milestones but so far i am just getting pebbles in my shoe.

i have a love/hate relationship with my hair and my words but a love/love relationship with fall out boy and joe trohman.
"i built
this house
with my
own hands
and she
just came
and burnt
the plans"
falling for you again as always. but that's the thing. i dont know if i have ever fallen in love. i think i have tripped, stumbled, and pushed my way into lust and like- but never have i fallen in love. something tells me i will know when i'm really in it though. i'll be even more off the deep end than usual.
i want to be pete wentz for halloween. or maybe violet baudelaire.
or you, maybe.

"all that hate's gonna burn you up" he said "it keeps me warm at night"

why do i have the mentality of a 27 year old but more baggage than an airplane?
joe trohman has officially taken the key to my heart and put it in his backpocket.
"i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now i only waste it dreaming of you)"
some days i want someone to save me but most days i am just okay with saving everyone else.
i hate how i can never type "just" right the first time i try it unless i concentrate. i always type "jsut", which is not very good for a grammar freak such as myself.
lately im thinking i like making people laugh because i want to be liked. i dont care about people liking me to a point where its blindly follwoing trends, regardless of how ridiculous they are, but i am certainly playing this game to win if you get what i mean. hah. no you dont.
because i dont get what i mean.
methinks the reason i keep these journals is so i can remember what it was like 20 years from now.
kindof funny though. i'll be nostalgic for the times i was least confident in myself, when i was a complete harry potter geek, when i was a frizzy haired kid with no boyfriend.
nostalgic for the awkward stages.
interesting.

maybe this one will blow over or maybe this is just us getting older.

"i'll be with you wherever you go, through the eyes of a fly on the wall."

"i was the light from the lamp on the floor,
and only as bright as you wanted me to be."

these sayings make me shake and make my head confused and happy and at home and honest and crazy.
eye need sleep.
i wonder why i always wear my shoes until i go to bed.
seriously i wear them all day long. weird right.
goodnight.

dreamer.

the thing i remember most is how safe and comfortable i felt in his arms.
perfection.

if fireworks do it why cant i (go out with a bang)

sometimes when i am drifting off into sleep i hear whispers but they are too soft to make out.
they are always a males voice.
i dont think anyone knows this.

wendy is crushin on joe trohman.
swappin gross-out stories and feeding giraffes.
there is one crazy dude. but in the good way.
i kindof just like listening to him talk.

clocks-coldplay.
that song will always feel like home to me.
whatever home is i mean.
home isnt an idea or a place- but rather the feeling attached to a place.
when you find home, you know it. you just know.
the flyaway was amazing. i felt a little weird, out of my skin kindof. i could be anyone i wanted but i could only be tat person when my dad wasn't around.
i got to be a cooler me. funnier. more spontaneous.
"i'm pete wentz..."
"it's an emo giraffe!"
saying the "God" in "Goddamn arms race".
and to think. i almost grabbed wentz' hand in the downpour of confetti.
so, so close. but he did smile at me. it looked like a genuine smile too.
i think he really lives off us. we are the cure to growing older.
and so are they, but they don't know it. the boys i mean.
they are the only constant variable in this crazy equation.
x = meaning of life. find x.