i was afraid you were a commodity.

not gonna lie, it does make me a bit nervous that so many girls like you...
and fuck you jason for bringing that up. seriously, way to get under my skin.
sounds like something i would do, dammit.
and that's where you made your fatal mistake.
because i know the logic behind that.
i know you want me.
admit it baby, i'm spilled like milk inside your head.

you on the other hand.
i don't know what you did, but you got me to fall for you.
actually. i kinda do.
you treated me right. i never had to drop the hints.
you sense when i'm feeling slightly jealous and you reassure me that i'm the only one.
you've honestly got a heart of gold.
no ulterior motives.

i honestly cannot wait to push you against a wall and makeout until our lips go numb.

the life chaotic

i'm tired of writing about myself and my situations. there is so much more beyond that.
i think that's the one, magical flaw about children: they are actually terribly selfish, and completely oblivious to everything that doesn't happen to them directly; not because they are ignorant, per se, but because they simply don't care. they don't want to know.
the difference between children and adults is this:
kids are afraid of the dark.
adults are afraid of what hides in it.
kids are afraid of the monsters under their bed.
adults are afraid of the skeletons in their closet.
-----------------------------
what is it that makes us who we are?
is it our genetics or our jeans?
labels from society or the labels on our clothes?
i'm seriously debating between whether or not people can be born "evil", or if that's just depending on who you grow up around.
i mean yes there are certain standards, likes, and dislikes that are ingrained into your head, conded into your genes simply because your parents got hot and heavy one night-
but i really don't think that your genes are the defining factor in who you become.
i'm toying with the idea that if you grew up in a different place (and thus had different friends and enemies), you would be a completely different person. your experiences would inevitably be vastly different if you were raised in new york city as opposed to los angeles, or chicago as opposed to some hick town. there are certain variables, as experiences, friendships, and environment, that in my opinion fully shape a person.

breathe out. that's all for now folks.
take care.

"time for the final bow"

i met a boy that makes me howl at the moon crazy
and baby with you it's a full moon 24/7.

p.s. i rewrote the ending-
the beast was really the belle in disguise
she just needed someone to tame her.

it's been awhile.

love lost and found.
i don't really get what they are talking about when they say "it's like butterflies are in your stomach" (never have in all honesty)
to me it feels different than that- more like when you hear motown music.
you can't stop grinning and your feet start tapping. only this time it's to the beat of the world.

it's kinda funny and kinda fantastic because that's exactly the kind of person i wanted.
one who makes me think of all the motown songs i mean.
you know.
'your love keeps on lifting me higher & higher'.
'ain't no mountain high enough' and the like.

i love your family. they seem so normal.
and i am in love with the way you gave
your mom the thumbs up when you thought i wasn't looking.

i'm falling fast but for once there is someone there to catch me.
let's watch Scrubs together.

"'cause you are my gold"

-----------------------------------

pontificating on what normal actually is.
It's one of those things that's so difficult to limit to one definition simply because it has so many different meanings to different people.
it seems like part of it is what makes age groups clash.
adults and teens. seniors and children.
what's normal for one group is weird to the other.

-------------------------------------


p.s. dreaming of finding secret blogspots and pokemon cards.
what's up with that?

p.p.s. can't let go of that bear you gave me. think i'm going to name it JD.

"when you love someone but it goes to waste"

dear chris martin:

thank you for being the calming voice there to soothe me when i wake from nightmares.
i really, really needed a good cry.
let it all out baby-
no one will come looking for you anyways.

i am starting to crave constant darkness.
in the classroom and in my head.
the light from the hallway is okay-
it's the flourescence that makes my stomach churn.

do you ever want the world to just shut down entirely until you recuperate?
let's sleep through it all and wake up together.

dear jason:

everything was just an illusion,
and now you've got a lovely new assistant to prove it.
at least you turned out nicer than i originally thought.
give me time to cool off and close the book on you-
"'cause each broken heart will eventually mend"
i wanted so badly to hug you today...but i was afraid i wouldn't let go.

my dog is the only person i will call baby from now on.
i walk into my room and he's just there on my bed,
"hey baby. how are you?"
lifts his head and wags his tail to acknowledge my presence and flops back down.
i love him for it.


Dear Carl,

i love every single inch of you.
there is something that ignites in me when i see you;
it makes me feel this crazy warmth that i've never felt before.
honest it tears me up inside to know that i will never have you for my own, and even if i do, it will be a better illusion than anything houdini could dream of.
if ever you catch me looking in your eyes with a look of admiration-
i'm thinking about how lucky I am to know you,
and wondering just what it was i did to deserve you.

"he wonders aloud why feelings so strong make the body so weak"